Sirius dont, For thelove of Merlin, dont!
by werewolfprincess81
Summary: The list that protected Hogwarts from the unrestrained terror that was Sirius Black.


Hey everyone! I got this idea while reading "_Padfoot Prohibited" by "Ever-Changing Anthem". I hope you enjoy!_

Disclaimer: I own none of this *sobs*

Deep inside Gryffindor Tower, on the eastern side of Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft And Wizardry, was a door. The door was made of ancient wood and had been in place for thousands of years. Attached to this door with an Permanent Sticking charm was a list. This list restricted the activities of an evil, conniving prankster who went by the name of Sirius Black. First put up by Sirius Blacks dorm mate in his second year, the list had been added to by every victim of the Sirius Black. Titled "Sirius Don't! For the love of Merlin don't!", the list protected every citizen of Hogwarts from humiliation, mutilation and mutation…

Sirius don't! For the love of Merlin don't!

My real name is 'Sirius Orion Black'. Not "Princess Anastasia".

I am not allowed to threaten anyone with 'Black' magic.

I am not allowed to give any professors or students magical breast implants.

I am not allowed to act out muggle video games with bows and suction cup arrows.

Adding "in accordance with the prophesy" does not gain me extra credit in Divination.

Nor do fortune cookies.

I am not allowed to add photos of people I don't like to Ministry 'Wanted" Posters.

I am not allowed to purchase first years souls and make them my slaves.

I am not allowed to form any nudist camps in the third floor boys bathroom.

I am not allowed to join any nudist camps in the third floor boys bathroom.

I am not allowed out of my dorm during ministry inspections.

I am not allowed to train stray dogs to "Sic em!"

I must get a haircut even if it interferes with my super powers.

Merlin can not excuse me from classes.

Neither can God.

May not perform my Barbie Girl dance routine in the Great Hall at dinner.

I am not allowed to call a professor an immoral, untrustworthy, lying piece of slime. Even if I'm right.

I must attempt to not antagonize any professors.

I must not call a professor a wanker.

I am not allowed to ask a professor if they've been smoking crack.

I must not tell a professor that I'm smarter than they are. Especially if its true.

I must not banish every alarm clock in the castle People actually use those things..

The Irish students are not after my lucky charms.

James Potter does not appreciate being woken up by having a garbage can swung at his head.

I am not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for my actions.

I am not allowed to let sock puppets serve my detentions for me.

I am not allowed to chew gum in class unless I've brought enough for everybody.

I am not allowed to chew gum in class even if I have brought enough for everybody.

I am not allowed to sing "_High speed dirt" by Megadeth_ during flying classes. (See the earth below, soon to make a crater. Blue sky, black death. I'm off to meet my maker.)

I cannot have flashbacks to wars I was not in and as such, said flash backs are not a way out of History of Magic.

The school nurse is called "Madame Pomphrey' not 'Dr Feelgood".

I cannot ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.

I do not have super powers.

Black, white, red and yellow paint is not appropriate school uniform.

I am not authorized to fire professors.

I am not allowed to trade my school books for magic beans.

The proper response to an instruction is not 'Why?"

The following words and phrases may not be used in the Great Hall- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this school and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Slytherins are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or anything that is a reference to squid.

The headmaster is in charge of this school. Not the Giant Space ants.

The phrase "It is better to beg forgiveness, than ask permission" no longer applies to Sirius Black.

There are no evil clowns living under my bed.

I am not the psychological warfare mascot.

I am not allowed to use psychological warfare on the Slytherin Quidditch team.

I am not allowed to wear a gimp mask to classes.

No school functions are performed sky clad.

I am not allowed to conduct psychological experiments on my professors.

I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.

I must wear the correct gender of uniform at all times.

May not challenge anyone to meet me on "the field of honour at dawn"

If the thought of something makes me or James Potter giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

Crucifixes do not ward off slytherins, and I should not test that.

I am not in need of a more suitable host body.

Gozer does not dwell in my wardrobe.

Seventh year Slytherins are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell first years that they are.

I may not trade my cauldron for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, small children, or bootleg CD's.

I am not authorized to change school policy.

I should not speculate on the penis size of any male or female professors.

Crucifying Wormtail = bad idea

Two drink limit does not mean first and last.

Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.

'I'm drunk' is a bad answer to any question posed by a professor.

The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.

I am not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove 'The Pen is Mightier than the sword'.

I should not threaten suicide with mentos and coke.

The proper way to report to the headmaster is 'You wanted to see me professor?' not 'You can't prove a thing!'

There is no such thing as a were-virgin.

I do not get 'that time of month'.

The pants are not optional.

I am not allowed to sing 'Henry the VIII I am' until verse 68 ever again.

I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.

'To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term goal to give during careers advisement.

I am not allowed to draw a Dark Mark on the arm of a sleeping student.

I will not sing "we're off to see the wizard" when I'm summoned to the headmasters office.

I will not gamble with the Divination teachers tarot cards.

I will not draw moustaches, glasses, scars Devils horns or anything else on sleeping portraits.

I will not take out a life insurance policy on the Defense teacher.

I will not change gravity on the Hogwarts grounds. My fellow students do not need to develop extra muscles and jumping into an orbit is not funny.

I am not the Wicked Witch of the West. Neither is Delores Umbridge.

I will not follow potions in reverse order to see what happens.

I will not walk up to a Hufflepuff and ask if he/she is going to huff and puff and blow my house down.

Hogwarts is not in the flight path of any Muggle airport, and Muggle airplanes cannot crash into Hogwarts. That being the case, there is no need to have first years standing on the spires of Hogwarts waving torches screaming "Go away, go away!!

I will not tell first years that the best way to study is to stay up all night balancing your textbook on your head, as gravity will cause the information to sink through the skull and into the brain.

Having not done that I will not stay up all night laughing at them.

I will not refer to the Summoning charm as "The Force"

I will not replace Professor Flitwicks stack of books with copies of the "Monster Book of Monsters"

I will not bring a Magic eight ball to Divination.

I will not tell James Potter that quidditch has been permanently canceled.

Having not done this I will not tell him that it is because of Severus Snape.

I will not bewitch Remus Lupins' Prefect badges to yell "I'm in love with myself!", every time it senses movement.

The Easter Bunny is not Jesus' animagus form.

I will not refer to Aragog as "Charlotte"

I will not use magic to change test questions into ones that I can answer.

I will not lock the Gryffindors and Slytherins in a room together and take bets on who will come out alive.

Astronomy class will not cause me to be abducted by aliens.

I will not melt if water is poured on me. Neither will Delores Umbridge.

I will not bewitch my cauldron to change the freezing-point of water. I will not ask Professor Slughorn why my potion is freezing while the cauldron is heated. Nor will I point out that I doubted from the beginning that he would be able to sort that out for me.

Professor Flitwicks first name is not "Yoda"

I do not know the Avada Kedavra curse, and pretending I do in front of people who annoy me is not funny, no matter how much they injure themselves diving for cover.

I will not hang a sign on the girls bathroom door saying "Reserved for Lucius Malfoy"

I am not allowed to ask pureblood students things like, "If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?"

I will not set Ravenclaws the task of calculating the exact value of Pi.

Getting the Sorting hat drunk only makes his song funny the first time.

Will not ink my owl's feet, have it walk across parchment, and sell the results as cheat sheets for Ancient Runes, even though Crabbe and Goyle keep falling for it.

Ravenclaws do not find a sign saying "The library is closed for an indefinite amount of time" amusing in any way.

Neither does Remus Lupin.

I will not tell Severus Snape that he needs to "go to his happy place".

If I insist on carrying out my plans of producing "Riddle-De-Dee: The Voldemort Musical," I will do so under a nom-de-plume.

I will not tell Professor Trelawney that my tea cup says she's lying.

I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures. Even though I have the best Australian accent ever.

I will not enchant the telescopes on the Astronomy Tower to display non-existent constellations during O.W.L. exams.

The headmasters name is Professor Dumbledore. Not Gandalf.

I will not tell the house elfs how much sushi could be made from the Giant squid.

I will not use silencing charms on the Prefects.

I must not use James' cloak to sneak into the girls dorm.

I must not leave shampoo on Severus Snapes desk along with instructions on how to wash his hair.

I will not buy Remus Lupin a flea collar.

There is no such thing as an invisibility thong.

Running down the halls, screaming, "VOLDEMORT IS COMING!" is only funny the first three times.

First years are not "The Little People"

Dumbledore Is not Santa.

I am not allowed to exorcise the ghosts.


End file.
